Squirrels... light brown, furry mammals that find most of the United States home. The attic of the house my friends and I rent is no exception. We first rented this house last Spring when the weather was nice and Animals had no intention of chewing a gaping fucking hole in the soffit and hosting raves in the attic. Summer and Autumn nights were blistfully quiet and rude awakenings were unheard of, but once Winter got into full swing the shit hit the fan... I could never have guessed that an animal weighing about one pound could make so much noise, and holy shit they make a lot of noise. I can only say that they are some lucky mother fuckers because I don't have to be awake early any more. Right around the time I am in a deep coma, fucking armageddon with a bushy fucking tail cuts loose right above my cieling. Before this Winter, I've never been jarred awake so violently that by the time I come to my senses I'm standing next to my bed. Usually a person can just get used to certain sounds and gradually build up a tolerance to them... but not when the noises suggest one should fear for their life. Were I required to be awake at 5:00 A.M. like I used to, my Glock 20C would probably be getting some exercise. In our free time my roommates and I will daydream of humorous ways to dispose of these hairy hooligans. Okay, maybe less humorous and more psychopathic, my personal favorite involves a trebuchet... use your imagination. Fortunately for me, our landlord is a cool guy and is going to bring out some live traps to at least relocate these satan-spawn to a less "right above our fucking heads" location. Oh yeah, fun fact: I live in Lincoln Nebraska, and
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... how often is your home-town cited on wiki-fucking-pedia? Why does it have to be for squirrels though? Fuck.